Rediscover Intimacy and Connection with Somatic Sexuality

Early on in our lives, when we’re navigating our twenties and thirties, we explore the uncharted waters of our sexualities. Different strokes with different folks. I mean, if you think back to your late teens or early twenties, you’d find yourself smiling at your memories of your early relationships. 

But things change for all of us. As we settle down with a partner, we find ourselves bound to routine, conformity, consistency, and yes, on the surface, those things can come off as boring. On the surface, familiarity and a mix of other circumstances can cause your sex drive to dwindle. Add aging to that, and the equation becomes even more complex. 

During COVID, given everything that the world was going through, I, too, was exhibiting lockdown symptoms. You know, the same old baggy jeans and t-shirt on, no makeup, no leaving the house for days at a time, and the constant stress of how I was going to make money, making me forget my needs. It feels like a fever dream, that era, but the truth is, it happened to all of us. For some, it happened regardless of the pandemic. It happened when we crossed a certain threshold. A threshold where sex, romance, intimacy, and love didn’t feel like a priority anymore. 

And then it hits you out of the blue—Oh, snap! The spark has freaking diminished. If you’ve been through a similar time, or if you’re going through one right now, this post is for you. 

Because a dimmed spark doesn’t mean it’s gone for good. It just means that the spark is waiting to be rekindled. Somatic sexuality is how we’re going to set a blaze in that furnace, and you’re never going to look at your sexuality the same again.

Somatic? What does that have to do with sexuality?

Everything. Unlike holistic, which refers to the whole mind and body working together, or mental, which refers to just the mind (and yes, in the UK, it’s also slang for “crazy”). Somatic focuses specifically on the body,the physical, tangible you.

You might have heard the word ‘psychosomatic,’ which refers to an illness or a condition that’s caused or aggravated by a mental factor such as stress, internal conflict, depression, etc. For instance, stress. It can have emotional and mental symptoms such as panic attacks, anxiety, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, and it can also have physical symptoms like chest pain, digestive problems, muscle tension, high blood pressure, exhaustion, insomnia, headaches, dizziness, and even sexual dysfunction.

Just an interesting factoid that I thought I should share with you.

Now let’s go back to somatic sexuality. It’s about reconnecting with your body for your own sake, not just for the sake of your partner. I know many of us roll our eyes and cringe at the mention of self-pleasure, but ask yourself, why is it that you have distanced yourself from it? What kind of emotional, mental, or even physical blockage exists that prevents us from connecting with our own self for the sake of our sexual pleasure? 

What happened to touch, presence, mindful sexual awareness, and turning intimacy from something you do to something you feel? 

Maybe somewhere along the line you became so accustomed to your partner, having seen them go to the bathroom so often that the idea of being naked together stopped being exciting and started to feel anatomical. Maybe the mystery faded. Maybe you started to fixate on a singular definition of the word ‘sex.’ 

Somatic sexuality tells you to slow down, feel, breathe, be present, and understand that you don’t need to look a certain way in order to feel sexual, that you don’t have to meet a certain amount of expectations in order to get permission to feel sexual pleasure. 

Instead, you can explore what feels good, what feels safe, and what brings you closer to yourself and your partner.

• Somatic sexuality helps you rediscover your sensuality, especially after the body changes with age, and it becomes sort of easy to disconnect from your own skin. Somatic sexuality will make you fall in love with your body again. You’ve got to like yourself before you can get someone else to like you.

• Somatic sexuality invokes emotional intimacy, allows you to be fully present, and look in your partner’s eyes, hold their hands, and feel the warmth of their skin, the sweat on their chest. 

• It is a great source of stress relief, as it activates your body’s natural relaxation response. Also, did I mention orgasms? The rush of all those feel-good chemicals and signals is always a good stress reliever. 

• And lastly, there’s a nice and quiet sort of confidence that comes from knowing your skin, your own body, and being comfortable in it. 

How you can start exploring somatic sexuality

First understand that you need to overcome some barriers. There are physical barriers, especially in women who’ve gone through menopause and are experiencing vaginal dryness or discomfort. I want you to know that that is normal, and it doesn’t have to mean that it’s the end of intimacy. Lubes have come a long way, and did I mention that there’s cannabis-based ones out there on the market that provide you with great lubrication and even greater sensations? You might consider checking them out.

There are also emotional barriers, especially those related to body image or having lost touch with your sensuality over time. It is okay. You are allowed to feel pleasure again. You deserve to.

Let’s gently explore your sexuality, shall we? Without the burden of any expectations. 

And most importantly—routine fatigue. I get it. Living with someone for years can make intimacy feel like a habit rather than a thrill. How about we stir things up? Turn off the TV, the lights, light a candle, play some of that good, good music, and just be with each other. Start with holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes, and just be with each other. 

Who knows what might happen?

Sex. 

Sex will happen.

It won’t be perfect. It will be messy. It might even feel strange after such a long time, but it will happen. 

And if you need to make it certain that it will happen, do the following things without any pressure:

1. Establish gentle touch whether it’s holding hands, stroking each other’s arms, touching each other’s hair, gentle back rubs, or placing an affectionate palm on your partner’s cheek. Start slow. 

2. Reconnect through movement. Do you and your partner like to dance? Or liked to? Well, how about trying it now? Put your arm around your partner’s waist, be close to their body, and feel their rhythm as you play some jazzy tunes. Let your bodies move without judgment, and feel your energies return.

3. Now, in terms of sexual pleasure, you should explore different sensations. Soft fabrics, feathers, warm stones, ice cubes—anything that gives you a different sensation and awakens new feelings on your skin should be great. Let’s focus on how it feels and then go from there.

4. Look in your partner’s eyes, truly feel their presence. Don’t talk to each other. Just gaze into each other’s souls. It might sound cheesy, but trust me, it gets the job done. 

5. And most importantly, communicate. When you engage in sexual activities, if you tell your partner what works and what’s not working, you’ll create a safe sexual space where both of you will be able to feel good without any pressure to perform or of not meeting expectations. Have your partner communicate with you, let them tell you what they like. 

Those five steps sound a little too simple, but that’s the beauty of somatic sexuality. It lets your body do the job without letting your brain meddle. 

You never lost your sensuality. It just got buried under the noise and toils of daily life and aging. But with a little exploration, presence, and courage, you can discover it. Your body is still yours to love, still very much capable of feeling, and still worthy of pleasure.

Ready to reconnect with your sensual self?

If you’ve ever felt like your spark has faded, you’re not alone—and it’s not gone for good.

My free guide, The DRG Method, walks you through how to Drop into your body, Reclaim your sensual energy, and Ground yourself in pleasure—no pressure, no perfection.

👉 Click here to download the free DRG Method guide

And don’t forget to join the newsletter for exclusive invites to our upcoming class, Awakened Enchantress—your space to rediscover intimacy on your own terms.